Notes on a Wall

perth the wrong side of aus.

2007-01-03T16:16:00.000-08:00

stuff that makes me happy.

blue skies.
surf.
nutrigrain & wheatbix for breakfast.

things are starting to look good

a new phase of life has just passed.

2006-12-06T01:15:00.000-08:00

i think i just aged another 2 years in the span of 2 hours today.
had a rather vivid dream or preminition in this case while i was trying to get what morsel of shut eye i could get last night.
you see today we recieved our ATPL results.

it did't exactly come out as e dreamy state i was in... no de ja vu... but atlas the suspense and the tension was i think the most i've ever had to endure. i've never been one to worry abt results etc. NEVER in school ( i was never arsed abt sch) maybe alil in uni just cuz i wanted to do well. just to prove tt i could get a 1st class. but i guess the circumstances of it all is different.

23 men. turned into putty by 1 indian general.

relief... joy... exctasy... i'm still high on the stoke. one by one we were cleared.
the worst result was a 1 paper failure out of 9.

then just dumbstruck awe that all the shit we've been thru in the last 6 months has almost come full circle.

the eventuality of it all is that apparently this is the best result ever produced in the company's history. a legacy i hope we will be able to carry forth with us for a long time to come. hehee. screw the rest. haha.

the major battle has been won... with slight casualties... we did not come out of it unscath. but... i suppose being the top dog does kinda have a nice feeling to it. ie. bragging rights!!! humble we remain. in quiet confidence we stride.

all is not over. theres still a long road ahead. one i suspect to have many more suprises... one more hill to go. 2 papers next week.

this year seems to be good. i've prayed, hoped, and sacrificed alot. for all its worth,i love this job.
a personal culmination since that faithful boxing day on tallows...

2006-11-24T03:33:00.000-08:00

3 more weeks and i am out of this hell hole of sg.
i'm really bored/sick of this place, cant wait to go.
being here is not fulfilling me, i think. i dont know. everything feels just so superficial.
nothings holding me back. i'm glad. feels like theres nothing much for me here anymore.
guess i'm turning into someone whose sole existence revolves ard work.

i miss my friends in aus and the others who have made their own way outta this little island.

2006-10-26T03:41:00.000-07:00

10 weeks to a new year
9 weeks to christmas
8 weeks to leaving sg for OZ yeay!
7 weeks to results
6 weeks to Perf Papers
5 weeks to zouk out
4 weeks to CAAS papers
3 weeks to college papers
2 weeks to study break
1 week of classes left

looks like i'm pretty much packed til the year end.

last year was emotional. tt was a hard one to get over.
this year... well... its been trying... on the work front.
this year has been all about work.
seems like this job is really becoming my life.
still dunno if its a good thing.
i like it. but i think i need some balance.

in due time. i suppose. no one ever got a free ride right? we all gotta work for it.

last couple of weeks to go anyway. last burst of fire. i can do it.
it'll be a tough one this time round. but hell i aint dead yet. i still got some fight in me.

as the year end starts to draw to an end. starting to look back at the things i wish i had done this year.
eg. meet ppl i havent seen in a long time...
24 hours is not enough. time is getting more precious.
ouch*

trust

2006-10-15T00:37:00.001-07:00

what happens when we loose trust in your family. how cruel greed can be.
losing faith in your parents. how do we deal with that? if they dont trust you, how can i trust them?
i dont hate them. i just want things to be over. so i can move on with my life
even if it means with or without them. some might say otherwise but yea it has come to that stage of do or die.
and they are not making it any easier for me.

i dont want to have anything to do with them. really. beacuse of their greed. i hate it to the core.

they say money corrupts. how true. how painful.

phew what a wirl wind.

2006-10-12T07:31:00.000-07:00

havent written in awhile. say 6 months.

i miss my dog. it was his 2nd birthday on the 6th of oct. i love u scout, i miss u, and i wish i could have u here with me now at seletar. you would love it. neighbourhood full of other dogs, space for u to run ard and play and a huge ass garden for u hang out and dig up. scout give'em hell just cuz u're my fiesty lil JRT.

so anyway i've been thinking with my wee lil brain.
things have started to finally settle down a little. life is starting to fall into a routine of studying tests studying tests... sucks but i keep telling myself its only a phase. after the training is done i can get my life back on track. not that it is totally off tangent now. its just with the amount of work, it keeps me away from the ppl i love and treasure. simply my friends. who seemingly all appear to be drifting away from me, like a floating bottle down a gentle stream. its not that i dont get to meet or keep intouch but rather that i have an omnious feeling that we're starting to live our own secluded lives. where there is a departure from the shared times of old. a time where we used to do everything together. but now cuz of relationships, work or tt the fact that we all spread over differnt cities of the world, we all start to travel our own paths on this journey of time.

no more the bunch of boisterious fools running in a pack. perhaps we will find new packs. but i dont really want to. i love the ppl in my life. past and present. what i find increasingly is that i secretly or naively think that we will once again do just that. run together like we used to. i wonder if it'll happen. the cynic in me says "in a million yrs" Vs. the sentimental in me that says "love them in your heart" atleast if i cant be with them in person i am with them in sprit heart and soul.

which comes to another pt. the soul satisfying experience of meeting ppl who u can share interesting meaningful and poigniant conversations. i miss the ppl i shared that with in sydney. ppl who could see beyound what was infront of them, ppl who did't buy into the system, ppl who belived that there is a better path, ppl who dared to live. ppl who shared with me their significant and personal insights to life, love and the mystry of existence.they really made me whole. happy. contented to the point of exsistential bliss one might say. i'm hoping to find some of that in singapore, but increasingly i am becoming distraught by the inability to do so. its hard to find like minded ppl, esp when u know u're from a different background from the general populous at large. sometimes it does get pretty lonely being different. compounded by the fact that i now am segregated from society in this lil place called SFC@seletar. a social backwater of sg. heh

i dont want to live the in glory of the yesterdays, or what once was. each new day should be such a gift of joy. life is supposed to be beautiful, treasured and made good, a lesson hard learnt. sometimes it takes alil nudge to remind us to keep us, to heal us and to help us grow.

sadly all i wanna do is grow. but it seems like i am not taking well to the soils of sg. adapt or die. such is the paradigm of evolution. at the rate i'm going i think i face extinction like a white rhino. the only remedy i can conjour is to displace myself and keep searching. searching for fellow square pegs in a society full of round holes.

on another note. last night and many more of late i've had these preminition dreams... funny thing is i saw myself. i knew i was there, and then there was a girl. only problem was that i cannot fanthom who she is. all i know is tt shes the "girl of my dreams" as cliched as it sounds. could't get a look at her face nor was it was recognizable. perhaps cuz i havent met tt person. or perhaps its cuz i havent seen this person in such a long time that i cannot paint the picture right. i dont know... all i know is hopefully til de ja vu, i will meet this person once more.

3 months on...

2006-03-20T01:44:00.000-08:00

ok so its been 3 months since i've had a day to sit down infront of a computer with a decent internet connection.

been on the move... was just recounting how i've had it good for the last couple of months of my "awol"

jan; surfed til i dropped in aus, cny with family

feb: surfed til i dropped in m'sia

march; plunged back into underwater bliss in dayang... e island i spent many a childhood wkends

april; start looking for a job!

need to meet friends whom i've not seen... so if you r one of them dont hesitate to holla.

ps.
if the culture does not work for u. go create your own.
live free.

a new year. a new phase of life.

2006-01-02T19:41:00.000-08:00

ok alot has happened in the last month or so, since i've been on the road.

i'm emotionally charged. mentally expanded. and hopefully my heart is finding its place for peace and love.

theres alot to fill in on as i havent had an internet connection in ages.

i wonder what a special friend of mine still thinks of me now. i wonder what has changed to friends in sg... i wonder if that (life in sg) is the kinda dynamics i want in life?

its a new life. this year on.

lets hope its a good one.

ps. they say some ppl never change. i say some ppl never learn. and for those of us who have learnt... we all have changed for the better.

afterall... the only thing constant in life is change.

to my friends joli... i wish u all e best in your marital bliss.
i'll miss ya babes!

2005-12-23T03:51:00.000-08:00

somehitng i just thought of

be patient, the future will be tomorrows reality.

road trippin'

2005-12-23T03:36:00.001-08:00

ok so its been more than a week into the trip and i have found some of the most beautiful bays and beaches in NSW. had some pretty good surf... tried to kite.

caught a bad cold/sinus and busted my foot.

last night out in the car... tomolo we live it up in a villa.

its been good... i guess. nice getaway from society. met a few nice ppl... julien i think tts how its spelled.. shaylin... this little girl.. couple other kiteboarders... a few surfers.
doing the healthy thing. simple food... water... lotsa water and sleep.... surf... and lots of panadol to subdue the flu over the last couple of days.

maybe cuz i've been sick for the last few days, but my heart seems to be wandering off... i dont know. need some surf to set my mind straight.

i set off with this trip looking for answers, to draw inspiration for my future... for some direction of sorts. i dont know if i am finding it. should i just play it cool and let things play out and then make a decision? or should i map out my path and follow to it the best i can?

who is game?

byron is nice. wish i had more time to explore the shops etc.

surfs been shitehouse since i busted my foot... hope everything swings ard by xmas!

well... u never quite know... 2 yrs ago x'mas i was really lonely. and in a few weeks i was seeing someone. marvelous what life throws to u unexpectedly.

ok

more to come... hope i just remember what i wanted to put down.

road tripping

2005-12-23T03:36:00.000-08:00

what it means to finish hons year

2005-11-24T17:57:00.000-08:00

its a piece of paper or rather pdf file that tells me i am a 1st class idiot.

interviewed...

2005-11-22T17:04:00.000-08:00

so it all comes down to this...

just finished my interview hopefully it goes smmothly from here.

i dunno if i answered everything well, but yea... i tot it was ok..

brain dead... need to start thinking abt nxt yr n life in general...

i guess just take things as they come and hope for the best......

hope yevonne and edwin get 1st class. they deserve it.

now its my time to find my future, i wonder whats installed in the next episode. ; 0

what a nice late spring afternoon...

2005-11-19T06:09:00.000-08:00

the weather was perfect... warm. not too cold... sunny

smallish surf...

brought adr & gf and Ivan to the markets... glebe and paddington . it was pretty cool; i like wandering ard in markets...
nice art works... i wish i had the inspiration to finally sit down and paint tt picture tt i've been contemplating doing since i got here. but i suck at painting... so maybe a photo. hahaha or buy 1, but all so ex! dang. wish i could spend to buy some art work. it would be a good memory...

so perfect waether so we had a nice cosy dinner in the yard under the moon light... yummy. friends... drinks... m&ms...
and then pie for deserts....

i am stuffed... goin to bed... nite all. its really been a holiday today. : )

2005-11-15T18:10:00.000-08:00

so a couple of blind guys in living in a home for the blind are sitting ard together one normal weekday afternoon... lazying... not saying much... nothing to do mood... yea. so all of a sudden one of the blind guys get this super erotic thought and gets a hard on...

after much internal debate he decides to go ahead with it and jack off...

so yea he jacks off no prob... but as the beating gets louder it dawns upoon the other blind dudes that whats going on...

so one guys shouts out who e F is tt jacking off? so one guy replies... how will we know... no one saw.

fREEFED

2005-11-15T17:05:00.000-08:00

so finaly its over and the hour has passed any my last 9 months of work is put to the hammer... guilitine... manz....

so as i follow a wize beatle say... let it be.. mothermary comes to me... let it be...

as i sit contemplating the best times of my life... in terms of freedom to know what kinda real person i am in an independent world. and i have provfen to myself that yea i can survive in an independent fashion... happy with that i have.. the standard i have now... its all a road of self discovery as me move day by day to the next sunrise and the first waves of the day.. as these tripyy thoughts of happy little thoughts popping into your head at 10 intense thoughts of happiness in a spand of less than a mninute?! extasy or nirvana is found... a sorta self realization of your own personal ideals u strive to be, a comming of age film sorts of, like a flim of your life... as you kinda do remember certain events in your life... u can visualize it as a film memory...

i wish i can find my love to spend our lives together grow old together like my grands... that'll be nice..

they're turning 80 somthing... gosh i miss them.

i yea i am loking forward to going back to see them come cny.... do the filial boy come home for cny dinner thingy that we used to see in those cheezzy ads we saw on tv in the 80's in primary schhol.
hehe.

marraige...

2005-11-13T17:23:00.000-08:00

fark... woke up to my friend j sending me an email abt her blog... or so i thought.

first post i read shes engaged. manz... happy for her.

it wasnt too long ago we celebrated my bday in sg... 2 yrs. now shes engaged and gonna get married.

man how times are evolving ard me and yet i am stagnant and have nothing to show for it.

this whole needing to settle down thing... is it something in my bio clock that is ticking? cuz it seems tt now i am not the only one amongst my friends (my age), tt has the i need to settle down feeling.

its time to move onto a new phase in life... the phase of work and settling down in a possible marriage

just 2 probs with tt equation. i dont have a job and i i dont have a gf.
MUAHAHAHAHAHA.

predictiing 1 variable in life is hard enuff... when u have to take 2 into acct... now tts hard.

on another note... i miss my cuz and shes getting married proper next year... had a dream i was at the wedding.

2005-11-13T06:09:00.000-08:00

i wonder abt the future... its looming in my mind constantly. i feel not at ease with this transition.
perhaps is cuz this time there is no indication of a futute. there is for the first time in my life... no set path laid out upon me.before this... i always knew what i had to do... what i wanted etc. now... theres no direction left..
i am free to persue anything that is out there. this is my stand... i kinda wished i had a better run in aus... find someone i could love and settle... here. but seems like since tt did't quite work out the way i had envisioned. i wonder where in this world should i seek my fortunes and future.

can i push my innante need to want to settle down aside or to persue a lifestyle tt i have been dreaming for.
or give up this lifestyle, and hopefully find someone.

i wish i could have them both. now it seems like i'm getting nothing.

on another note... got a nice new glass attachment...its sweet... no metal crap anymore!

finally its done...

2005-11-10T10:21:00.000-08:00

well sorta... thesis that is... i've done what i've could so now its up to the lectures...

still got 1 more last edit to make and i am set,

well it was daryls birthday today and we had dinner at ahard rock cafe syd..
heh did't even know where that was until today. :)

so apprently tian n stephenie(spell) baked a caked la for daryl... under the guise of yiming i suppose.
so yea, i tot cool they baked one for daryl...
so dinner went on well as feast and all was nice and sweet.
til they took out the cake and it was for both of us.. tt was sweet... cool unexpected.

anyways... thanks guys.

its only been awhile that we;ve known each othern but yet i find that we can know each other too well already.. in some of our "isuues seasons"... hehe.

yea so so after dinner n all, got down to work to finish my own last draft for the thesis and i finally finish it at abt 5.15 am... watching the sunrise i take a hit or tow,.... good stuff this time... and type this out for posteriety sake..
k first time i had a hit while watching a almost perfect sunrise... getting really baked.......

2005-11-07T06:31:00.000-08:00

there are things that i am not. there are things i wish i could be or could have been...

time passes me by and yet i see i accomplish nothing,

drowning my inspiration and tainting my heat and will.

perhaps i am blind. for i ncan be shortsighted too. i know my flaws.

i wonder what it'll be like to know me... from my friends points of view... like sorta be them for a day... see what their lives are like... what it'll be like to live in your friends body... how trippy would that be eh/! but tonight on my birthday... i thinki i know 2 ppl who experience tt... 2 ppl who have well, 1 plus now another 1. who seem like the sorta ppl u'd love to hang n be with even when we are grandparants.

deep profound friendships of a life time, i dont want to loose my frie4nds the ones i have now... not ever.

they hhave been such a big part of me, i tear thinking about everyone who has had a significant hand in this lil 25 years of mine,

the beatles said it best...
i get by with a little help from my friends... i get high with a little help from my friends.

me being soppy... i dunno, just reflective. i guess. who knows maybe i will understand me and all of my friends, i wish i could understand them more.

they say that the chosen family is more tight than a family by default. i hope that is true in my life. i love my friends.

quater life

2005-11-06T05:36:00.000-08:00

so i officially turn 25...

bdays are usually when i just sit back and take a good look ard me...
usually the only things tt come to mind are my friends and this yr tts no exception.

its been a shitty year personally... lets hope the year dosent end tt way.

well whats new... spent 2 bdays in the field... and this yr will be doing my thesis.
big fucking yippieyaiyah.

a little help please...

2005-10-24T09:39:00.000-07:00

A little help from my friends
What would you think if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me.
Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song,
And I’ll try not to sing out of key.
I get by with a little help from my friends,
I get high with a little help from my friends,
Going to try with a little help from my friends.
What do I do when my love is away.
(does it worry you to be alone)
How do I feel by the end of the day
(are you sad because you’re on your own)
No I get by with a little help from my friends,
Do you need anybody,
I need somebody to love.
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love.
Would you believe in a love at first sight,
Yes I’m certain that it happens all the time.
What do you see when you turn out the light,
I can’t tell you, but I know it’s mine.
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends,
Do you need anybody,
I just need someone to love,
Could it be anybody,
I want somebody to love.
I get by with a little help from my friends,
Yes I get by with a little help from my friends,
With a little help from my friends.

cranial stimulus

2005-10-20T06:16:00.000-07:00

i sit and stare.
into a world of dispair.

i lack mental stimulation
no one to give me gratification.

is reality so bleak?
or am i just weak?

is it so hard to want to be complete?

i choose my path,
but how do i know the direction to seek?

there is no conclusion sought
in a time of confusion.

all i want or desire
is to have someone push me higher.

for i know i am under this hard exteroir
weak, and rather incomplete.

free to be

2005-10-18T03:11:00.000-07:00

had lots to write but after a nice long shower... i guess everythings all put behind me now.

wishing for*
1. ducati...996 or 748
2. more time to surf
3. no thesis to write
4. peace n happiness for the ppl i love
5. someone who can understand me.

hehehe...

2005-10-13T06:08:00.000-07:00

something i just watched on tv was a good reminder of the difficulties in life people face just to get by.

more importantly it shows ppl like my hsemate how wasteful their lives are. humans as a race... myself included are wasteful creatures. 300bucks for a pair of tsubi jeans...multipled by 10 pairs. is prob what some people earn in 3 months. and have kids to feed clothe and school. electricity, fuel, water, the list goes on..

it pains me to see the amount of waste that goes into human endevours... at times i wish we as a human race could live in a real recyclable biosphere...( we are in a biosphere, if u look at the big picture eg. earth) but is our earth recyclable? we destroy our world as we know it with "development" and its something not i nor u can stop. its sad.... its a sad fact of life. even as today i teach e students in e lab, we waste so much materials... disposable sterile needles syringes, gloves, gowns, high quality lint free cloths?! heck i dont even use lint free cloths to wipe my face or ass! and all that is chucked down the drain. and at this point i feel ashamed of being part of the problem.

(if i summed up all the wasted resources i have thrown away, and put it all infront of me now. i prob could't live with the guilt that i have consumed that much of earth.)

we need to change the way we live. i've started with me... i've tried to show others.. but ppl only belive when they see things for themselves, sadly. i know this cuz i've been there. even ppl i've loved have let me down cuz of this. i really have a deep profound respect for ppl like ghandi, monks, etc. who know such a thing is happening around them and commit themselves to an existence that is not materialistic, cuz they know its a wasteful existence, more in touch with our nature, our forrests our rivers.

i was contemplating buying a 20-23inch LCD monitor to use for computer work/tv about 3 hrs ago...
i feel guilty tt i was even thinking abt it. now i'm gonna use tt money for something better.

once about almost 10 years ago now. i was in pulau ubin, helping out as a marshal during a mountain bike race, i was at this rather remote area of the island where ppl dont usually go to, and just off the track was this old dilapidated wood shack where an elderly man lived. i had the cheek to ask him for a match stick so i could light my mosqitoe coil, and u know what, as poor as he was, he wanted to help so he opend the "door" and i saw tt he had almost nothing in his shack... a few cans of canned food... a kerosene lamp as prob the only source of lighting he had... he managed to find a book of matches... but they were too old/wet to work... i felt really bad for him. the juxtaposition of wealth and extravagance... me sitting outside with a 3000 dollar bicycle... him, the elderly man whose entire life possessions prob amounted to less than the cost of my bicycle.

that was an experience tt will haunt me and keep me humble for the rest of my life.

spread the love people.

there are people out there who really need some.

material necessities are not as important as we take them to be.

strip yourself, strip your mind from conventions and you will open your mind to another level.
(is this what they call nirvana?)

2005-10-09T07:13:00.000-07:00

who knows what our future holds...
as of now i'm happy where i am.

diretion

2005-10-04T02:15:00.000-07:00

so it finally dawns on me the resaons for the turmoil i am in.

1. i'm mourning the loss of a very strong commitment i had. not necessarily the loss of the relationship. cuz firstly it did't really bring out the best in me, secondly it was an intellectual stalemate, not saying tt there were no special times during the course of the relationship la... but yea those are the minus pts. although i belive that no one is perfect and there is no such thing as finding the perfect partner, its all about how u work ard each others deficiencies... if i held onto my expectations tt i seek in a gf she falls short in many critical areas. intense intimacy, shared sense of adventure, intellectual stim, could;t be myself etc... blah blah blah 1 million n 1 reasons...heh. perhaps i shud stick to my expectations, afterall they expect us to to fulfill theirs. i do miss her.. n i do miss having a relationship, house, and dog. it was one of those things tt

2. ok i admitt it... i'm having a quater life crisis. crisis of uncertainty, (remember the movie Reality Bites) yup. tts it. not knowing your future, getting a job, the pressure to settle down, the having to admitt that you need to move on. (i know i already am starting to... but having your mind admit it and accept it is another) i am not as gung ho abt concerts, parties, etc... stuff tt u do from 15-23. ie party your brains out. and yes i was one who partied farking hard. and worse of all started damn early.

3. crisis that your physical condition is downhilling... its something hard for me to deal with coming as i've always been into my lifestyle sports... ie. my sport sorta defines me kinda thing. used to be cycling... now its surfing... guess both of these will always be in my blood. sea sports and bikes. so before its too late... i better be making the most of it whilst i can. michael was right... i can see europe, bring my wife/gf whateva it is, shopping, dancing, romancing even when i am 35-45 or even 55 for tt matter. but what i cant do then will be surf, wakeboard, trek, cycle. so i'm sorry if my priorities are are differnt for now.

4. life is dwindling down as each day passes... i know i want a life long marraige to a woman i love and tt i think of no other i'd rather be... someone whom i can totally be myself and talk to. screw the kids.. let them go learn n figure out life on their own.

5. now time to get this shit done and over with. (as meaningless my life might be... and since i cant change the meaning of life nor can i assume to understand it in any philosophical sense, i might as well live it as happily as i can. now is not the time to dwell on the loss of a commitment... it is time for us to rise to meet the future, beacuse we are already what we have aspired to be. and when the time is right to settle down, things should fall in place like they have before me.

dolphins

2005-10-03T20:12:00.000-07:00

saw another pod of dolphins feeding at maroubra about 50m away from the shoreline while we were out surfing...
cool beans.

what is this hipocracy of love if you claim you love someone to the end of time, and you want to marry and settle down with, but yet move on/breakup at a snap of your fingers?

what are you to belive? the fleeting "love" that is claimed? or the hipocracy of it all?
a true, or real love will stay with you, a love you will not give up or leave behind. thats when u can say i love you with all i've got and i need/want u right here with me for the rest of time.

sigh i guess some people just dont have the same standards as i do. some people claim they have high standards for themselves... but when it comes down to the line they crumble and fail. whats the pt of all these self imposed "high standards" when it all amounts to naught when its truly required?

life sometimes is like an exam, a deadline, opprtunities only come at a set time frame or schedule. yes life is a journey and the journey itself is important but within that journey what you achieve along the way is what sets winners and loosers apart.

lost in space

2005-10-03T01:56:00.000-07:00

ok so was really trippin all week long... binging...

so i havent been bloggin or at home etc. dead tired. need to get started again.

was gonna blog some thoughts in here today before going for arrons hse warming. but after returning some emails, looks like i'm spent for words or thought.

k. time to do some laundry.

the pt of independence is to live without aid from your parents. (ie financially, emotionally etc.)
the real lesson is for u to learn that its harder to do that alone... so that you settle down with a partner to help you achieve that goal.

in the real world fairytale love only exisist as a fairytale. its just a manifestation of a feeling that we all share. and like all feelings... they dont last forever.

do you think fairytale love can last forever? your thoughts pls?

2005-09-27T21:43:00.000-07:00

i am prob wrong and a fool to be proud in love... but what if it wasent pride that stood in the way... it was just wanting to be me?

loves mystery

2005-09-27T21:30:00.000-07:00

was in a reflective mood and went thru some stuff i had, and found this essay written for me. it reminded me of the simple, unadultered, pure, and joy of falling in love. its a feeling that is more valuable than a diamond, sparkles brighter and is even smaller. something as intangible as pure happiness as hard as it is to comprehend... it is understood only by those who have felt it.

i miss tt.

woah what a long weekend.

2005-09-26T05:54:00.000-07:00

its been a long wkend. tired & exhausted.
we went up to the north shore to check out boards at haydenshapes, met hayden himself and had a lil tour of his factory. it was really cool... kinda like how i used to hang out at cycleworx. seems like a nice guy... demoed some of his personal boards... looks like i'm gonna blow my teaching money on a board. so visited whale beach for a surf w the guys... man its a nnice place. driving down barrenjoey is like driving down sth bouna vista rd in sg... maybe tts why it stirs my heart when i go past there.

after tt we had collens bday party... which was a total estrogen fest. but atleast we had an interesting bar tender, candy, to make cocktails... n she makes a damn good green tea cheese cake. damn shes gd.

sunday was more surfing and cherd bday bbq... had all the younger crowd fill the house and cook while us old men nurse our beers... hahahaha. its time the younger generatation paid their dues! haha. jude was nice to have cooked the food i prepared so, it was cool. i'll miss my place here in kingsford someday when i leave, its a nice setup which is perfect for holding parties for up to 20.

lots of ppl... lots of food n beer... n 1 drunk 21 yr old bday boy... all in all it was not too bad a party. too bad more of the guys could not be here. but its interesting when u finally have parties with an equal strength of opposing sexes. haha.

2005-09-22T23:27:00.000-07:00

o yea.. the below post is not ment to be vindictive... its just how i feel. so respect tt.

sorry??

2005-09-22T22:29:00.000-07:00

fuck this shit.

u know i've never been put thru this emotional shithole for 1.5 yrs and still want to try to make things work. i suppose its best that i finally dont give a flying fuck anymore. its too much for me to bear. i cant function like tt. u know its "nice" to be friends and live peacefully. (i do know what tt is cuz i DO have such relationships) what is peace if even now, when u blow work off and other responsibilities so u can make time, but only to be left hanging as usual... why waste all my effort and time anymore? why do i still subject myself to her patronizing accusations, biligerent and holier than thou attitude. why am i always made out to be the bad guy, and just sit there an take it. why be the one to put up with demands when u try not to hold expectations on the other person.

u know. i was made to feel like i was wrong and even thought i was wrong... but u know what, even i can only take so much. and its finally clear to me... u cant control another person. they are not yours now then or ever for u to control. u can only embrace and try to grow. communication is 2 way... not telling the other party they r wrong for all their actions. they have their own reasons for doing what they did. human nature is to want to do the right thing. but we all err in our actions. using that as a blame game weapon to destroy another person is just low... really really low.

these are my thoughts and views and they are just as poignant and rightous as yours. dont give me that fucking i forgive u shit. forgiveing me for the shit u put me thru!? this is a reaction to the crap i was subjected to. not some fucking crazy emotions tt spring out of thin air!? if u cant even be humble enough to take a good look at yourself tts your loss. likewise it is mine to not have spoken my mind earlier.

romance vs emotional stability

2005-09-21T06:14:00.000-07:00

ok so the debate over romance vs emotional stability rages on in my head. yes chicks dig romance on a level tt guys love sport. but romance is only the icing on a cake... emotional stability and trust and all that forms the body of the cake. without a good base like tt.. i think romance is pointless. utterly pointless, mostly cuz it dosent fill u in a healty way. it gives u a false high, a sugar buzz, a drug pique. its a transient feeling that can con u to feel "love". i know some ppl who only look for tt high, sadly to me they lead empty meaningless lives that only value aesthetics and shallowness. but dont tell them tt. it'll offend.

i still like the icing.. but in small amounts to enhance the overall. not something to drive a relationship. heck i could even do without it if my relationship was really strong and full. to me thats where real love lives.

o on another note... a friend of mine values his material possesions as little icons of happiness. in essense he buys happiness in a box. whatda think i feel abt this? : )

a journal entry

2005-09-21T05:31:00.000-07:00

so alot has happened lately.

some good some not so good.

so lets start with work. teaching is gd! good money good experience, good expose. its nice to know what you do actually is helping another whole generation grow and learn. i think its rewarding. esp the $$$

my own thesis... ahhahahaha havent gotton round to starting that. i need to write. but i have no drive mainly cuz my personal life is screwing with my head and soul.

as for my personal life... friend are cool... had a good talk with a couple of them over the last few days tt i've been home. i'm glad they miss me and all want to see me back in sg. however my reasons for not wanting to go back to sg at the time being is not cuz i dont miss them etc. but rather that honestly aus is a better platform for me to jump off to either phd or work. there are times i do contemplate going back... maybe cuz i'm tired. maybe cuz i'm drained. drained by the shambles the relationship has left me.

i've always though of as this stage of life as a transition stage where u finish uni... gotta look for new opportunities. be it furthing my "studies" to do a phd or go back and work. cuz as of up to now... this course of life, i had already planned out since i was what? 14-15. i remmeber one day in sec 1 or 2 when mum picked me up from school and we rolled up to the hse, we talked abt uni and stuff. and i knew from then tt i was gonna go to uni overseas. (largely cuz they wanted me to experience the overseas thingy which i think is intangibly invaluable and secondly i knew w/o chinese i cant go to nus) plus i did't really like uni in sg.

so now that things are coming to an end, there is a niggling sesnse of uncertainty in the air as to which path i should choose. i thought i was fully back to my "normal" self. self assured, happy. etc and i would be able to face it without much difficulty.
but i guess it was only a fleeting period. i hate being demoralized by love life problems... it gets me down. very down indeed.

so why am i drianed? ppl ask if i loved. i did and i do. maybe tts y its hard. its funny... cuz even when i feel patronized, taken for granted, not understood and unfulfilled. i still loved. its a funny thing how commited one can feel even for a lost cause or a lousy relationship. i have no issues with commitment. i dont think i do. but what i do detest is relationships that are not helping u grow. i would like to be able to just say that... o... it was just not working out. or some other politically correct bullshit for an excuse for a failed relationship, but the ppl who know me know i'm not one to be afraid to wear my hear on my sleeves. i may be a clam with my emotions. but i definately do waer my heart on my sleeves. perhaps its cuz of this tts y i feel the triple B's. battered bruised and bitter...

and so it is here in blogs... and msn with friends that it shows. ppl who care for me, know. ppl who understand me, know. they dont question me on WHY i am pouring out y feelings. they know tts wht i'm feeling and need alil help. (u know who u r, u guys r the best in my book) they dont question what or why? they respect my feelings. and in essense to me they truly are there for me, as i am there for them. its a beautiful thing friendship. a love, that sadly i havent found in a partner.

i've thought abt what i'd like to share with a partner, one who will share my thirst for adventure and experiencing a novel and meaningful exisistence. to be able to free our minds and still be there for each other. not one which is bogged down by silly meaningless mundane or ridiculous propiety.

i feel like an empty tin. and all i yearn for is someone to help fill it with simple meaningful emotions, not material bs.

heh thanks min

2005-09-11T19:28:00.000-07:00

had a really good time hanging out with a friend whom i've not seen in almost 2 years. it was a wonderful time. lots of happy memories. sadly it might also be the last chance fo any of these kinda things to happen... sigh* life moves on eh?

so the good thing is tht i've really found myself here. finally back into it.
as for relationships, yea it would be nice to have someone to "talk/date" but i guess there is just NOTHING or no one specifically tt interests me at this pt in time.

everyone just wants a little love. me included.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

2005-09-03T22:09:00.000-07:00

yeay tomolo yimin will be here. and i get to take a 3 day holiday with her!! woohoo
its grgeat to have such good friends... : ) i'm greatful/thankful for friends like tt.
cool beans...

courtesy of adrian...

2005-09-02T23:19:00.000-07:00

may the farce be with us says: (3:05:21 PM)
u noe y it's called PMS?

may the farce be with us says: (3:05:31 PM)
cos "mad cow disease" was taken

joe: can u belive i am working 7 days a week and have not gone surfing?! says: (3:25:56 PM)
AHAHHAHAHAHAA

on another note, was speking to kel abt the song below and how the chorus is sung by a school chior and it reminded me about sec school days... good ol' sec sch days. used to go for chior/band concerts whenever friends were performing etc.

i really miss the music. the harmonious voices... that sweet sound that only the young will have.

used to hang out with a couple of girls from scgs... kel's sch. lynette choo...my ta jie... kat aka...bubble... vicky...who i kinda pointed towards marcus(they broke up so my alligence had to go either way) and jac whus still my gd/close friend.
its sad i've drifted apart from the first 3... i hope we can get back in touch... i'm pretty sure they r on friendster or somthing like tt... i mean after all we are in the age of the internet. ya know i really wonder where/what they are doing now. are they married? do they have children already? (i suspect lynette to be happily married with kids and a high profile job) typical over achiver,... head prefect... band major.. vj council vice head etc. did well in uni. 1 thing i do know is that her daddy passed away a couple years ago. when i found out, i wrote to her... but not sure if she recieved it.

miss you guys... somewhere out there.

theres no place i'd rather be...

2005-09-02T22:47:00.000-07:00

Aloha e aloha e
'Ano 'ai ke aloha e
Aloha ae aloha e
A nu ay ki aloha e

There’s no place I’d rather be
Then on my surfboard out at sea
Lingering in the ocean blue
And If I had one wish come true
I’d surf till the sun sets
Beyond the horizon

A wiki wiki mai lohi lohi
Lawe mai i ko papa he'e nalu
Flyin by on the Hawaiian roller coaster ride

A wiki wiki mai lohi lohi
La we mai iko papa he na lu
Pi'i na nalu la lahalaha
O ka moana hanupanupa
Lalala i kala hanahana
Me ke kai hoene i ka pu'e one
Helehele mai kakou e
Hawaiian roller coaster ride

There’s no place I’d rather be
Than on the seashore dry, wet free
On golden sand is where I lay
And if I only had my way
I'd play til the sun sets
Beyond the horizon

Lalala i kala hanahana
Me ke kai hoene i ka pu'e one
It’s time to try the Hawaiian Roller coaster ride

bitchin...

2005-08-31T01:46:00.000-07:00

so anyway with the whole tutoring busniess. hey its a good job for an hons student!

had my first class today... fun not too bad... still need to get the hang of it. but who says everything was easy?
had a bitchin day that started at 0715. pia my own experimets til 2pm and ran over for my class.. ended at 5 n went back to lab to finish up my work. ended at 6. so an 11 hr day gone just like tt. on the bright side is that i got another class tom morning! yeay... more $$$. its good exposure for me, e way i see it i would have done it for free.

hope it'll count for somthing towards my phd application. or PRship

mood: freggin tired but atleast its better than brunei n sleeping in a swamp after threading thru waist deep mud for 15 hrs.

o btw did i mention this is my first "official job"
; )

happiness is a good wave...

2005-08-30T01:19:00.000-07:00

so anyway enuff of em personality things. lets just talk alil bout the little things that add up in life that makes us really content and happy. well makes ME content and happy.

basically been in the lab working for 12 hrs a day over e wkend and for the past couple of days. busy tired. but atleast now i am on top of things. kinda makes me wonder that if i can "do" so much more stuff when i dun have the responsibility to take care of another person, why was i in a relationship for most part of my time here?! imagine what i could have achived?!

o well back to the little happy things in life...

1. a nice cosy bday dinner celerbration
2. a good wave in the morning before work
3. getting on top of things at work after busting your butt on 12 hr days
4. having roti prata and chicken curry for lunch
5. getting a "teaching" job as a lab practical class demonstrator
6. talking to friends online
7. friends coming to visit u!
8. e money your mum sends u arrives!

all this makes 1 happy joe.
seems like things are finally turning for the better... yeay... hope things stay this way for awhile, last but not least, i am thankful for what i got. : ) thanks man (to whoever is out there)

a poignant thought...

2005-08-27T19:52:00.000-07:00

See the air spin and watch the colours collide, thoughts floating like light on water. The universe of the mind is a wonder ideas like shooting stars and painful memories like asteroids (sometimes asteroids can become shooting stars as well). We compartmentalise thoughts and memories into little galaxies, burying certain stills into our milky subconscious and consciously focusing on certain brighter ones.

Like how we tell stories to friends exaggerating or emphasising certain events, failing to mention others. How we delete certain smses or emails and keep others that mean something to us, defining how we would like to remember certain conversations, situations, relationships, people.

Our ideal. Our limited scope. We see only what we want and remember only what we want. There is a choice in everything, simple choices, yet each choice leads us on separate paths of indefinite potential, with thought paths like speedy light paths, you define your reality.

hmmmmm is this me? perhaps.

2005-08-24T01:29:00.000-07:00

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.

You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think.

You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly.

You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How Do You Live Your Life?

am i really heading fo a lifetime of incaceration?

2005-08-24T01:24:00.000-07:00

Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage

You've dated enough to know what you want.
And that's marriage - with the right person.
You're serious about settling down some time soon.
Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

key to my heart... ok la quite true

2005-08-24T01:03:00.000-07:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage pessimistically. You don't think happy marriages exist anymore.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

one for the girls...

2005-08-21T22:44:00.000-07:00

heh got this from some chicks blog

READ LEARN PRACTICE (on me would be fine)

Stripping It Down
Whilst I love the relentless tempo of frenzied fucking - buttons popping, shirts ripping, underwear torn off with teeth - sometimes it's essential to slow things down a little (especially if I'm wearing my favourite bespoke outfit) and which guy doesn't like a good strip tease? Here's one that works for me - Japanese bondage ropes and ice-cubes optional:

I start by putting a good track on, something I'll enjoy dancing to. Pretty much anything goes but leave Black Sabbath, Teresa Teng and Frank Sinatra to the professionals. If I'm feeling plebian - or I'm at his house, wasting valuable time rummaging through his CDs instead of getting it on - something from the Black Eyed Peas will usually do the trick. If I'm well-prepared, then something Latin or Claude Challe's 'Je Nous Aime' are my preferred options. (If he only has chinese opera and classical music in his collection, then my advice is to leg it out of there. Fast.)

The trick to stripping is to put up a good show. It's all in the pent-up anticipation, the simmering tension and then the postponement of the climax (yours or his) for as long as humanly possible. Of course it's easy for his over-enthusastic member to overwhelm the situation at some point and plunge straight in, so to speak. It's up to you to decide at which point this is acceptable.

As much as I approve of audience participation, I never like him to spoil all the fun. So, in order to maintain the upper hand, I make up a few rules and talk him through them:

I can touch you, but you can't touch me.
Take your clothes off and I'll tie your hands behind your back.
Sit up and pay attention. I'm going to show you how I really like to be touched.
If you behave, I'll finish off by coming on your face.

I never give the game away and let him assume that we're going to end up fucking (I guess this works better with people you hardly know, as opposed to would-be Chinese boyfriends who take this as their God-given right), so all these rules are delivered in a reasonably firm but sexy manner. So far, there haven't been any complaints.

I start swaying my hips to the music. I use my hands to move up my thighs, to stroke the sides of my breasts and to caress the back of my neck. I lift a leg onto the bed, my skirt begins to ride up and I angle away from him, so he only sees me from behind. I put my fingers to my pussy, pushing aside my panties and start rubbing my clitoris. My eyes are half-closed, I put my head back and moan softly deep in my throat. Taunting him...

Are you enjoying this? You like watching me get off?

I turn to face him. I reach under to remove my bra, revealing nipples that are hard against my chiffon blouse. I cup my breasts and pinch my nipples, twisting them slightly through the fabric. I climb on top of him and dangle one breast dangerously close to his mouth. So close he can feel my hair on his face, my hot breath on his forehead and just when his mouth closes on the outline of my breast, I turn away.

I pull my top off and reach for a piece of ice from the champagne bucket. I rub the ice-cube slowly down my cleavage and then over each nipple, watching rivulets of cold, melted water run down my chest, soaked up by my skirt. I pop it into my mouth and lean in for a kiss, pushing the ice over his lips and through his teeth, forcing him to manipulate it with his tongue. My cold, wet nipples brush against his cheek suggestively.

Now show me what you can do.

When the ice has melted and he's done sucking on me, I reach under my skirt and step out of my underwear. He sits up and I straddle him with my back against his chest and my hands on his knees, my skirt around my hips, rubbing up and down against his erection. He leans over and watches over my shoulder as I start touching myself under my skirt. I draw out a finger from my pussy, glistening with juice and put it to his mouth. He licks it clean, his tongue dancing circles around my fingers.

Don't you wish it was your cock doing that? I do.

I reach down to pull my skirt off and reach down to untie his hands. By this time he's chafing at his bonds, about to explode. I wrap myself around him tightly, letting him feel the full heat between my legs. I start untying his knots with excruciating slowness. At this point, I judge the situation and make a decision about how much more I should torment him. The point is to stimulate and titillate - not generate hate - so if the excitement is making him froth at the mouth and show symptoms of cardiac arrhythmia, I generally take it as a signal to stop while I'm ahead. I hesitate...

I'm only going to let you go on one condition.

I name my price. I've earned it. I know if I think of something really good, the rest of the night will follow. And I'm the sort of gal who is never at a loss for ideas.

P.S. If I'm wearing bad-ass stilettos, it goes without saying that I'm keeping them on all night. It just completes the look, dahlin. The juxtaposition of nudity with luxurious, over-priced frippery. Why the concept is quite deliciously postmodern, if I say so myself. ;

wht e heck...lets do this this.

2005-08-21T18:06:00.000-07:00

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. joe
2. mad joe
3. ming

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. N
2. scaryfast
3. ghostrider

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My single eyelids
2. My cooky smile
3. My butt

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My broken nose
2. My too scrawny built
3. My hair (welll usually my aunt takes care of tt for me... but now i cant be arsed to spend 15 bucks on it for a decent cut)

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. 10-15ft waves
2. becoming fat
3. being left lonely and alone...

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. food
2. shelter
3. water

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. boardshorts
2. tshirt
3.this is the first time during winter -i'm a tropical boy at heart...

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. Guns and Roses,
2. Green Day
3. DJ tiesto or PVD
(its not fair for me to leave out all the other "good" stuff i listen to... CCR, Deep Purple, Marvin gaye, bob marley, dick dale, the surfaris, queen, queens of the stone age, jet, killers, velvet undergrd, gatecrasher, trance, classical chinese..)

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS:
1. sweet child
2. pipeline
3. doncha... by pussycat dolls, i like e mtv... drool worthy

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. happiness or fun
2. trust
3. Honesty

TRUTH OR LIE:
1. I like eating pussy
2. I like doing stupid things for a gd laugh
3. I like to eat good yummy spicy food

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. her face
2. her legs
3. n a proportionate hips n body... i still like e sporty types most

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. surfing... my happy place
2. cycling
3. wakeboarding or masturbating... cant make up my mind

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. fuck my project...move to bali or mentawais. and live on my dive/surf yacht.
2. Spend the night with a girl
3. surf

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED:
1. life sci... but i am gettin damn sick of research work at the moment
2. sign on army... healty lifestyle.. gd pay... no life.
3. scuba/surf safari trip organizer/wakeboard boat driver.(this is the one i dream of)

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. anywhere where it is warm n has good surf/diving
2. eastern europe
3. sth america

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Spend time with family & loved ones n be a gd husband or father (if i meet e right girl)
2. travel n experience more
3. surf more

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. i speak my mind
2. i'm direct
3. i hate whiney girls & i am bo chup-happy go lucky

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
1. i take long showers
2. i enjoy cooking???? does this count here any more these days?
3. i've got hairless legs.. thks to cycling

THREE FEMALE CELEB CRUSHES:

never really liked the celeb/spotlight kinda lifestyle so never really digged celeb chicks...
still prefer the sporty girl next door type

2005-08-21T17:54:00.000-07:00

havent really been blogging or going to work whole of last week.
guess i was still feeling kinda dragged down by the whole ex issue.
anyway i guess the only good thing to come out form the weekend
was the wonderful surf n skate sat n sun!

went out to the skate park at mdnight to skate... fun... its finally getting warm
after tt sat on e beach...
reminded me of sec/poly days where i'd go out n skate ard jelita n hang out at jelita til 3am.
those were sweet simple days. some of e best days i'vee ever had.

well yesterday was prob another really good day.

: )

hope all things are good n smooth from here on... need to finish my research work and start writing!

even i am perplexed...

2005-08-17T00:11:00.000-07:00

ok so just about everyone knows abt my situation with her now.
fucking hell... my qns is
1. y e fuck is my relaitonship with her!?!?(2 ppl) 50 other ppls (esp her side) busniess!?
2. y e fark! am i still getting all knoted up inside!? when she pops into my head at random moments in my day?
3. y e farkin hell is it upsetting me for the rest of the god damn day?! so much so that i cant work...study and all i wanna do is be friends with the happy plant! i am only managing to hang on by a thread on this.
4. y e fuck do i have to carry these negative emotional feelins with me... deep in me. y do i have to suffer for e anguish shes already inflicted over the course of 1.5 yrs.
5. y e fuck are there NO interesting single girls in syd...

the difference between guys n gals...

2005-08-11T05:49:00.000-07:00

the simple 50-50 random chance of chromosome 23 splitting between X and Y and the only diff in it is...

ATGCGCGCTCGCGAGCGCTCAAATCGATGCATGCATGCAGATGAGTCGAGAT
CGATAGCTAGAGATCGATCGAGCTAGCTAGCATAGCGGATTTTAGCGATCGA
AAAGCTAAGCATTCGGGACTTACTAGGCCGCATCTATCATCTAGCAGCGACG
TACTACGGCATCAGCTGACGCGAGCTAGCTAGCATCGATGCATGCATCGATC
GACTAGCATGCTAGCTAGCTAGCTAGTGCGGATCGATCGATAGATKNNBCCB.

hmmm internet literati...

2005-08-03T19:38:00.000-07:00

anyway so yes i have been bitten by the bloggin bug... as in blog voyeurism.
in a world that is post sex in e city/carrie bradshaw...the facination with sexual inuendo internet literati is immense!
happened to chance upon some rather well written, sexually uninhibited chicks blogs... some from sg some from all over the world... man its a facinating read. good toilet read kinda stuff... plus its gives u an insight into the "new" female psyche of the 21st century! call me old fashioned or just plain old... i still live my life pretty much as simply as i can. enjoying the simple things in life like a simple and tasty meal or a good session of stretching...(trying to do yoga) or a gd surf at the beach. so i have to admitt i am totally out of touch with the female world outside of my small and cosy circle of blokes.

so on to another thought...

i was reminescing about first times...

ie, first time u kissed a girl (sexually)
fisrt time u made love
fisrt time u had outdoor sex
fisrt time u romanced a girl
etc.. etc.. etc..

i still think those were more intense and vivid...
perhaps its just tt the fisrt time we try something new the novelty effect it has on us is so poignant.

what a weekend spent..

2005-08-01T00:52:00.000-07:00

alright so anyway another friend from sg is now here in unsw.. one more stoner to add to the group!
heh. well havent been blogging much cuz i have been doing so much work lately! finally got the drive back to get back into the groove of things at the lab... no more slacking ard and going to work at 1030... its about time i spent some quality time at work. got a partial phd scholarship lined up provided i get 1st class hons..

plus pt. i get to stay in aus, most likely leading to a PRship
i get to surf n study for another 3-4 yrs. which is damn cool.

minus pt. no $$$$
damn hard to get gf
and i am still not sure what to do after phd?!

shud i just fuck it all and go work my dream job? wakeboard/scuba...in sg/m'sia/thailand/indo.

dream job? = happiness = may not earn also of money... but i spend everyday in paradise.

phd= job in life sci... money is better... but fucking get stuck in a lab/office for e rest of my life.

or.... go back and teach poly/jc lifesci or bio....

where do we go?!

2005-07-18T21:38:00.000-07:00

back from canberra!. basically found out first hand tt canberra is a small n boring place to be.
nothing out there at all.
but seems like EVRYONE rides a bicycle in canberra.
so i guess its like a small town in the alps..

on e home front. scout has been a terror.
n my friend anthony is gone...

like a snake sheading its skin, a renewal is upon.

so now its focus on work. work work.

and some nice incentives along the way might be nice...

missing my friends from all over the world...
i know its been a long time since we've hung out or spoken... sigh* i miss u guys.

off to canberra!

2005-07-16T15:33:00.000-07:00

gonna go check out ANU today...
going to canberra... mission? i have no fuck wit idea why i am going.
bored i guess.

music:dick dale n his del tones...

attitude: rock on... lets ride.

cash: broke*

hehe.

something on a friends blog caught my eye...

2005-07-16T01:28:00.000-07:00

This is the text of the Stanford Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005.

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky - I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation - the Macintosh - a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me - I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I retuned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much

the answer to sexual gratification...??

2005-07-14T01:32:00.000-07:00

the ultimate orgasm?.... and the theory of relativity?

AHOY!!

2005-07-13T19:55:00.000-07:00

so was feeling kinda numb inside yesterday after being informed abt antx...
still feel bad, cant help it.

but i guess today i was blessed with something to cheer me up.
WHALES! 5 of them i counted, woke up at 7 and went to the beach with yiming daryl n terrence.
brought scout out along to play cuz i could't surf (havent fixed the board yet from the damage i inflicted)
it was a beautiful morning with some clouds and the sunrise shining thru when we rocked up to maroubra
so we decided to check out the surf first before changing to wetties. strolled to the beach taking the morning in when i spotted a plume just below the horizon...WHALES!!!! man first time i saw whales...humpbacks...
cool...

so when daryl chin n terrence rocked up me n yiming showed them what we spotted and we went to bra's north headland to get a better look.

and there it was... 2 pods of whales... total about 5, maybe 6. swimming north for winter..

cool.
anthony i wish u could have seen this.

2005-07-12T20:34:00.000-07:00

to my friend antz..

a friendster msg...

2005-07-12T20:17:00.000-07:00

what a beautiful fucking way to find out your buddy passed away.

a freaking friendster msg saying he passed away n his wake will be on tom onwards.

the details of his demise i do not know.

he was a great buddy... hard working...friendly...

its sad the world lost another gd person.

i'll miss him dearly. and it sucks even more that i cant go to his wake.

my condolences to the his family and siblings.

i've still got him on friendster..

sigh* our life is mortal and not evermore..

^&^@&^#&@^#&@637@322&&&(

2005-07-07T18:58:00.000-07:00

sei bei tu lanz!!! my bad luck streak is still going!!!

i got 5 stutures on my forehead....

whole face was covered with blood cuz i had lacerated an artery and it was squirting out!!!
(wish i had taken photos or videos of it man)

.....crap crap crap crap crap crap

worst of all... i've dinged up both surfboards in a span of 2 weeks.
fark.

career

2005-07-04T18:20:00.000-07:00

so i've been contemplating alot lately abt where my life is headed post graduation... what shall i do?
(o such a common headache amongst graduates or soon to grad peeps)

so anyway pt is... i've always been happy in the sea. the only thing keeping me sane here in aus is surfing.
after a gd surf i can spend the rest of the day in e lab slogging it out... (rather aimlessly at times)

i mean yes i do love science. it has been a "passion" but i just dont feel the rewards from it. or rather it takes really really long before u see anything. plus i doubt i am that "passionate" to be a really gd researcher. i kinda foresee myself, if i were to stay in pharmacology or life sci as mediocore... just getting by... not too happy with his job... but has enuff money so therefore is willing to cling on and work til he dies.

i dont want that. i mean if everyone cannot see me doing this. shud i go on just to prove everyone wrong? at the expense of sacrificing my own "happiness"?

the sea is something i have always loved since i was even too young to swim, i'd jump in for a snorkel with a lifejacket on.... and it keeps drawing me back... even after spending so many yrs cycling... and then army..

i still come back to square 1.

more i think i about it the more compelled i am to chase this... i may not make it rich but i will be happy...

that to me is worth more than gold.

vivid dreams...

2005-07-03T19:49:00.000-07:00

have been have very disturbing dreams lately...

divorce in the family... stuff like that.

damn weird cant put my finger on exactly what happens... but it aint pretty.

i remember being pissed... wanting to be vindictive etc...

arghz.

on the other hand this week has been fucking suay... i got bad luck on my side.

first lets see...
1. broke with gf.
2. car accident.
3. parking fine.
4. dog chewed up BOTH PS2 controllers.
5. took a day off work only to get shit surf
6. dinged the fucking 6'3 tt i was going to sell.

but i think once all this is over... hopefully things will be smooth for abit.

anyway going to byron bay end of the month!!!!

2005-06-29T21:33:00.000-07:00

felling tired lately... did't go to lab yesterday and had "me" time at home... just chill n play with scout...go to unigym to swim and sit in the steam room...warrrrmmmmmmm. super nice on a wet & freezing winters day
nice simple day all to myself. havent had that in a long time... feels gd.

anyway so back to work today. lab work is alright now...just moving along slowly. but its been raining like mad (relative terms, as it is nothing compared to a monsoon downpour in sg)

no waves no surf... watched a free surfing dvd, only making me more gian to get out on the water.

i reckon i am ectothermic. i need sun.

i wanna check out mentawais. in sumatra. shall make it my next frontier.

new adventure.

me here...

2005-06-27T23:49:00.000-07:00

17263_p216616
Originally uploaded by scaryfast80.

tw\estin

2005-06-27T21:25:00.000-07:00

i duuno y some posts are not shown

DSCF0084

2005-06-27T20:47:00.000-07:00

DSCF0084
Originally uploaded by scaryfast80.

in all fairness... this is what we conspired politically.

2005-06-27T20:34:00.000-07:00

last night...

2005-06-27T20:06:00.000-07:00

last night i

opened a book that chronicled the best 5 weeks i have had in my recent memories...

and like the title, it brought me a smile.

i was reminded that i am not a goon or moron who cannot make someone feel happy.

i was reminded that i can be a different person who can bring light into someones life.

2005-06-26T18:02:00.000-07:00

and so it ends... close to a year and a half... i've spent with her.
am i bitter i ask? naw not really... am i sad? naw not really...
was i happy in the relationship? naw not really...

so it all came down to relationship dynamics.
i mean we are ppl tt go along our lives...that is NEVER constant.
we change we evolve.
when we put 2 ppl together we get a dynamics.
however.
dynamics between 2 ppl can be syngergistic or catabolic.
in this case the later.

i ask if i was a perfect bf? no i dont think so. such is being human
i ask again if i was a bad bf... no, not really.

why do we behave differently with different ppl?
i think tt qns is the answer.
tt when we interact with a different grp or person, we act and behave differently.
for example... just read a blog of a very dear friend who commented on how her life changed from breakup to new guy.
has she changed as a person? (i'm sure there are subtle changes...but overall she is still the same girl i knew)
so not really... no drastic changes there... but yet. in a different relationship things happen so differently.

thats what u call teamwork.
team dynamics. cept tt this team only has 2 ppl. (for now atleast... and not more until they get married)

memories are all we have

2005-06-23T20:03:00.000-07:00

relived some of the best times i have had in my mind
come to think of it i could have been worse...ie. NONE.

guess i did't do too bad eh. u catch some u miss some..
some are good some look gd...some just are a disaster.

over it all i am here... and here i am. simple me. simple life
simple pleasures.... hopefully finding someone to simply be with.
no fights... no coldness...

i;ve seen it before in my parents and its something i will never want for
myself.

the only thing that dosent change is change itself.

so its not too late...

carpe diem!

is it time?

2005-06-23T19:28:00.000-07:00

another point in our life.
we come to crossroad
that slips in the sands of time.
to tumble on or to turn ard
maybe take a detour round.

where do we go
how do we know?

i'm paralyzed.

PHATMAN!!!

2005-06-21T19:46:00.000-07:00

NNeNeNEneNEneNEne DEH DEH....NEneNEnENeNEneNEneNEneNEneNE DEh deh!!!!

fatman begins... buy eating and eating and eating...into the criminal mind... eat until fat fat... so therefore was called fatman.
3sg gordon becomes 2Lt gordon for shooting down the MRT... katie holmes has funny lips.

so anyway... someone was silly enuff to bump into princess last nite... she got molested by a aussie comm, driven by a dumb ass engrish fag. this week the engrish has pissed me off twice( the first being having taken scaryfast.blogspot from me!)

so anyway this prob means princess is gonna get new clothes!

2005-06-20T21:27:00.000-07:00

Big Five Test Results

Extroversion (61%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.
Altruism (46%) medium which suggests you are moderately kind natured, trusting, and helpful while still maintaining your own interests.
Orderliness (68%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, neat, structured and restrained at the expense too often of flexibility, variety, spontaneity, and fun.
Emotional Stability (66%) moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.
Inquisitiveness (66%) moderately high which suggests you are intellectual, curious, imaginative but possibly not very practical.

Take Free Big Five Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

smoke out!

2005-06-20T21:09:00.000-07:00

smoke out!!!!!!!

hazed.

smokeout!

2005-06-20T21:06:00.000-07:00

smokeout!!!!! grenade!!!! section stoned!

1st shot... 1st kill

2005-06-20T20:41:00.000-07:00

ok to the MFB out there who has scaryfast@blogspot. a big Fark U to u mate!

anyway, so what if u only been using this since 1993 and this ass only started using it what... e last caouple of yrs u "engrish prick"

ok anyway back to life...